I used to believe I was the original rebel. In my head, I was the only person in my circle of associates that could really “Tell it like it is”. I used to have a very thick skin, or at least people thought so. I breezed through life accidentally offending at least 75% of the people I came into contact with. The other 25% didn’t take me seriously because either they were related, or they really didn’t hear what I had spewed out.
Years of losing friends, debates over nothing and losing my voice defending the horrid comment I let crawl out of my mouth, I realized that there may be some confusion as to what “telling it like it is”, is really about.
I used to pride myself on being a tough chick, able to verbally spar with anyone who comes my way. I was ready and willing to voice my opinion without weighing in the consequences of my choice words. My bad habit caught up with me, but not without devastating casualties and severances I still regret.
Soft skills. Soft skills. Soft skills. Yuck!
I loathe those words used together with a passion; because I feel like my whole life, I have been told I really need to work on my soft skills. That is until I started working on them. Soft skills began to allow me in to a world that I had no idea know was there. Holding back was a new form of making friends, for me. People that knew me from my fight years really don’t believe I am capable of taking a different approach to adversity. They have never seen that side, and won’t even give me a chance to show it, but I can’t blame them one bit. They do, and might always view me as a brute out to conquer anyone that has an opinion that may hold more water than mine. It is a repercussion of having such a big mouth.
The Bible says,” Keep reminding them of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen.” (2 Timothy 2:14).
Well that sucks for me! I can’t even begin to think about all the damage I had done by not getting my mouth under control. How far I could have been by now had I just not had to have the last word. I had to be brutally honest and prideful to the point of pure insanity.
Ah, but this new discovery I have come across, that was always right in front of my face and in the words of my loved ones who on more than a million occasions have tried to tell me the truth about what it was really like to be on the receiving end of my wrath. I discovered that my definition of fake was wrong, too.
I tried smiling for no reason. Saying “hello” to people as they walk by. Striking conversation with people in line at the grocery store instead of huffing and puffing the whole time because the old lady in front of me is slowly writing a check. I had no idea how much more pleasant a day could be from just being nice. It wasn’t fake. It was congenial. I learned fake is a word that should be reserved for faux furs or Paris Hilton's reality shows. Not for people that know how to hold their tongue and smile even when they are in a hostile environment or around people they don’t like. What an art it is to be around someone you don’t care for, but still smile at them and ask them how they are doing? How could I have mistaken that as a weakness? It’s actually a very underestimated strength!
The other view on this subject is how the other Brutes and Brutettes look in my eyes. I certainly don’t want to call the kettle black, because I have been the Brutette almost my whole life, but as I began to calm down and see the light on this subject, say less and listen more I realize that force feeding others with my dislikes, my irritations and my opinions not only made me a very hard to get along with, but they outright put me on offense with everyone. People automatically expected to have an unpleasant situation arise when I was around, so they tailored the guest list when I was invited. They planned around me or they simply stop inviting me so there is no “drama”. That is another word I absolutely can’t stand because in my world, it never applied to the theatre. Only the theatrics of the aftermath of arguments or wars with the old me.
I detest Karl Marx and everything he stood for, however he made one comment that I believe sums up my opinion of the lesson I have learned, and continue to learn on a daily basis. “Last words are for fools that haven’t said enough!”
That statement is just so profound. I don’t remember the last time I was able to walk away from a challenge. I think I have always gotten the last word, and I have always felt empowered for a little while. The harsher the words, the better, I always thought. I went for the jugular, not really caring about the last word, but wanting to see the emotions that my own words could stir up, the last words usually being something so hurtful that the other person so shocked that I would even go there, that they couldn’t say anything, making it seem as feel like I got the last word. How awful is that? Having to rip someone’s heart out so that you can feel instant gratification, then inevitable remorse later on when you realize the destruction you have caused. How atrocious!
That is the worse about the “Tilii” (Tell It Like It Is) type. Being real doesn’t have to be that person who has no tact or no feeling on what they blurt out or who they blurt out, for that matter. That is a straight up Brute. A Real person is one who doesn’t sugar coat, but says no more than needs to be said. They speak to help, not for effect or reaction. They say things because they feel that what they are saying will create a solution without cutting corners or taking too much time. Are you the Tilii type? If so, ask yourself this question: When is the last time some good came out of you Tiliing it?”. If nothing but arguments, dissension and bad blood come from your comments or back-handed compliments, it’s time to re-evaluate your position and get a new personality. I did, however I still feel the backlash of my word-throw up days and sometimes I have to get downright defensive to defend myself as an outcome once in a blue moon, but as I heal move forward and make new friends, I realize I never want to go back to that time where I was the girl that didn’t get the invite because I had no balance and no tact, and almost no friends.
Love it!! So honest and open.
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