Insecure or Self-Aware? I Say Self-Aware!

Call it insecure, immature or whatever other label you want to throw on it. I call it self-aware. Can you or can you not tell when you are annoying others? Am I the only one that knows when I have over-stayed a welcome, or when I don't click enough to invite myself to dinner?

Look, I have been able to read people all my life. It’s a gift. My sister has it. My mother has it. It runs in the family. Some call it “discernment”. Some label it as being “self-aware”. Too many call it “insecure”. So who’s right? It’s my blog, so I am going to give it to you the way I see it.

Picture this: You call a friend or relative you haven’t talked to in a while, and they don’t pick up. You leave a message. You wait for a call back. They probably didn't feel like talking. Fine. Everyone hates to answer their cell phones these days unless it has to do with money. Text messages are a little more welcomed, but day by day those go unanswered as well. Until someone invents ESP Messaging, texting will have to do.
The friend never calls back. You send an email. No reply. A week later, you get some lame one-liner telling you “sorry, I am so busy I didn’t have time to send you a two second text message to tell you I can’t make dinner.”

May be the message doesn’t really say that, but that is how I read into it.

You feel a little insulted and the next time you see that friend, you are a little colder than before. They ask what’s wrong, you say nothing, and then start explaining anyway. Once you are done and the tiny violin stops playing, they look at you like you missed the short bus.



“What do you mean? I was totally going to call you, why would you think I was avoiding you?” They ask this, knowing you may or may not buy it.

In short, they have manipulated you into thinking you are the insecure one and they are the victim, thus throwing you back into the cycle of doubting yourself when you can clearly see the verdict: You were not important enough to reply to. Period.

Now, was that hard? It’s the same thing when your friends and don't send you don’t get an invite. Constantly planning things with out you and hanging out behind your back. It’s not because they don’t have room. It’s not because they forgot. Here’s my favorite: they did text you but you must not have seen it. I’m sorry, but are we in the 90’s, where cell phone calls dropped like a pregger’s stomach and text wasn’t even heard of? We are in the new millennium where you just can’t use that excuse because it’s a lie. The truth is, you weren’t invited because you're annoying or boring or loud or too honest or whatever. It’s certainly not because they could’t reach you. Whatever the reason is, do you know why, and can you be honest with yourself about it? If you can, you my friend, are self-aware. From here, you can admit it, then change it.

I am that person sometimes. The one that doesn’t get the invites or the calls. The one that is always defending my right to be honest with myself, call myself fat or unlikable, but it’s not insecurity. On the contrary, I have been accused of being arrogant, pushy and anything else that has to do with being too direct for my own good. It just doesn’t bother me. I am somewhat of a loner, and don’t have much patience, to tell the truth. What bothers me, is when I call it out for whatever reason, and I get backlash. For example, a friend of mine invited everyone to a movie. Not me. I asked her how the movie was the next day. She got defensive and said she didn’t want to disturb me or take me away from my kids. Now, how lame is that? I am so sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I told her she should wax her eyebrows more often because she was starting to look like Frida Kahlo. Instead, of telling me I had no tact (and I have worked on this: Love more. Offend less. God is still working on me) she made up some ridiculous excuse when all she had to do was tell me I was a little too abrasive for her taste and we both could have moved on?

You may be that person. It’s okay. Who says being popular is easy, or fun, anyway? I have been that person, too. You know what? There is more stress in being popular. Much more. People expect you to entertain them. They expect you to excite the party. They expect you to not have problems and they secretly pine after the idea that you may not be perfect. Then, when you prove make a mistake, they point disheartened fingers at you because they “expected more”.

Why argue with someone that has had a sudden revelation about themselves? It's a good thing. Here is another example. A girl doesn't want extra butter on her popcorn, and says it's because she is already overweight. Her friends immediately calling her insecure. She knows she is fat wants to do something about it. It’s called not wanting to have an early heart attack, not low self-esteem. And it’s always the pretty ones that want to convince you otherwise. Most Puffaplumps know what they can and can’t wear, as do you. You ever see a large chick at the mall and wonder who told her it was okay to wear zebra stripes? One of her scaredy-cat skinny friends, that’s who. Instead of telling her to put on a beautiful black blouse with some flattering not-too-tight jeans, you told her she was fierce and let her stomp her way out the house looking like some circus side-show. Shame on you! She knew she looked bad, until you convinced her otherwise! (Again, this has been me. I called myself a Puffaplump before, and someone had the nerve to tell me I had low self-esteem!)



I had a friend once that had a voice like nails on a chalk board. Not only that, but she was obsessed with me, always wanting to hang around, wanting me to check in with her, and planning trips for “us” I never agreed to. I felt sorry for her, as she was lonely, but she was lonely because she was annoying. I kept mum, but I silently began to resent her. I ended up blowing up at her one day because she was chewing potato chips with her mouth open, allowing me to hear every detailed and greedy crunch. It was the final straw, but to her shock, she had no idea why I ended the relationship over it. She was hurt, and I felt bad, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her it was because she was irritating the life out of me. To this day she thinks I have Turrets because I wasn’t woman enough to be honest with her the first time she asked me why I hadn’t called her in a week. So guess what? I have been on both sides of the fence.

I’ll tell you what. Let’s all agree, if someone is bugging you, deal with it I am totally for being pleasantly honest and using tact, but if someone can be honest with themselves so they can change for the better, can't you meet them half way, and find a solution to resolve the issue together? Don't deny the issue possibly torching any chance that they may change something that is holding them back.